He says I'm an engaging person...

And I'm an engaged person because of my involvement in Freecycle(TM) - I run my county's group.  He says he is very proud of me - that I "walk the walk" and devote a considerable amount of my time to this.  Which is all great and I'm glad that he is proud of me and all that jazz.

However, and this is where things get sticky, what I'd like to be is an engaged person - as in, engaged to be married.  There.  I said it.  For the first time out loud in print.  After my divorce I never thought I would want to get married again, ever.  In fact I loudly declaimed this fact to all and sundry.  No way, not conceivable.  I figured I would date, maybe even have a LTR again but marriage?  Not a chance.  19 years of misery was quite enough, thank you.

Fast forward a couple of years and I meet David.  Sort of blew all of that other nonsense out of the water.  It's been 2 years now and I am more in love with him than ever and yes, I guess I am just conventional enough to want to get married.  To stand in front of family and friends and make a statement that we are committed to each other.  I know, so old-fashioned right?  So silly. 

But... there it is.  I've never felt like this before.  I didn't feel this strongly about marrying my ex.  I never felt this way about him and getting married was more his idea than mine.  It's different this time.  I want David to know that this is real, that he can feel safe with me and with us.  I want my children to see what a good marriage is like - that we are in this for the long haul and that this is how you show devotion to each other.  

Or something like that.

It isn't that I want the white dress, fancy party thing.  I never wanted that when I was a kid when so many young girls supposedly day dream about that stuff.  Besides, I had that already and I didn't really like it.  If we get married a nice party is all I want.  In the Autumn in Vermont, if possible.  

I know David is a bit hung up on the whole thing about his financial situation being crummy and that probably factors into it.  Heck, I'm not even sure how he feels about the possibility of getting married - to me or anyone.  He's had more serious relationships post-divorce than I have; well, he's also been divorced much longer than I have.  He never married any of the other women, why would I think he would marry me?  I dunno.  But I know I want him to.

I just wish I could talk to him about this.  But I feel way too scared to bring it up.  So I won't.  At least I can let it out here.

He says I'm an engaging person...

And I'm an engaged person because of my involvement in Freecycle(TM) - I run my county's group.  He says he is very proud of me - that I "walk the walk" and devote a considerable amount of my time to this.  Which is all great and I'm glad that he is proud of me and all that jazz.

However, and this is where things get sticky, what I'd like to be is an engaged person - as in, engaged to be married.  There.  I said it.  For the first time out loud in print.  After my divorce I never thought I would want to get married again, ever.  In fact I loudly declaimed this fact to all and sundry.  No way, not conceivable.  I figured I would date, maybe even have a LTR again but marriage?  Not a chance.  19 years of misery was quite enough, thank you.

Fast forward a couple of years and I meet David.  Sort of blew all of that other nonsense out of the water.  It's been 2 years now and I am more in love with him than ever and yes, I guess I am just conventional enough to want to get married.  To stand in front of family and friends and make a statement that we are committed to each other.  I know, so old-fashioned right?  So silly. 

But... there it is.  I've never felt like this before.  I didn't feel this strongly about marrying my ex.  I never felt this way about him and getting married was more his idea than mine.  It's different this time.  I want David to know that this is real, that he can feel safe with me and with us.  I want my children to see what a good marriage is like - that we are in this for the long haul and that this is how you show devotion to each other.  

Or something like that.

It isn't that I want the white dress, fancy party thing.  I never wanted that when I was a kid when so many young girls supposedly day dream about that stuff.  Besides, I had that already and I didn't really like it.  If we get married a nice party is all I want.  In the Autumn in Vermont, if possible.  

I know David is a bit hung up on the whole thing about his financial situation being crummy and that probably factors into it.  Heck, I'm not even sure how he feels about the possibility of getting married - to me or anyone.  He's had more serious relationships post-divorce than I have; well, he's also been divorced much longer than I have.  He never married any of the other women, why would I think he would marry me?  I dunno.  But I know I want him to.

I just wish I could talk to him about this.  But I feel way too scared to bring it up.  So I won't.  At least I can let it out here.