Ramblings and Ruminations

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For the longest time, I was convinced that I did not want to have children - ever.  I did not have the greatest childhood and I saw no reason to perpetuate this insanity.  My childhood mimicked my mom's in many ways - older brother who was doted on, daughter who was ignored and pretty much left to raise herself.  I felt that I would be condemning any children I might have to this and I wanted no part of it. 

This feeling lasted until my early 20s when I did a complete 180 degree reversal.  I can't point to anything in particular that happened to make me change; all I know is that I began to want to have children very much.  When I got married, I had this feeling that I was marrying this man solely to create the 2 children I knew we would have.  He wanted to have children too, although I can't really see why because he has been a very neglectful and downright abusive father.  I did learn that I am a really good mother.  I learned that even if you had a lousy childhood you don't have to repeat the mistakes of the past.  I raised my son and daughter solo and they are turning out to be wonderful adults, of whom I am very proud.

Yesterday was a very scary day.  I think I lost about 5 years in one day just from worrying and being scared out of my mind.

Sarah called up to me around 6:20 AM yesterday asking if she could take some Advil.  Neither of my kids will take so much as a vitamin without asking me first.  I asked her what was wrong and she said she woke up with a terrible headache.  Now I've had headaches all my life and this appears to be something that Sarah has inherited from me.  But she'd never had one this bad or that came on so suddenly.  After she took the Advil she continued to get ready for school and I went to get dressed.  But I heard a commotion downstairs and she said that she was throwing up.  All over the kitchen.  And her neck was stiff.  My brain connected the dots and came up with things I didn't want to think about.

I called our doctor's service and they got back to me right away.  The doctor said that with this combination of symptoms and given that Sarah had never had such a severe headache before that I should take her to the ER.

So David went off to work (worriedly) and I got Sarah back  up out of bed and dressed and we went to the hospital.  To make a long story short, they took her in pretty quickly and after evaluating her they gave her a shot for the pain and then did a CT scan.  It took a while to get the radiologist to read the scan so I had lots of time to sit there and worry about things like meningitis and brain aneurysms.  Happily, we got the "all clear" from the doctor and they sent us home sometime in the afternoon - I completely lost track of time.

One we got home she slept for about 4 or 5 hours and then woke up hungry and wiped out but without pain.  I was fairly limp with relief.

She seemed fine this morning and went off to school with a new story to tell her friends.  I couldn't sleep much last night - I've been up since about 12:30 AM - but I'm so happy that she is OK I don't care.

Parenting can be exhausting.