Keeping everything inside is something I am way too good at.  I am an excellent secret keeper.  I would never have betrayed James and Lily.  

To be fair to myself, I have a very long history of using this as a technique for self-preservation.  Growing up in a house with 2 amazing yet very self-centered parents and a black sheep for a brother who sucked up all the attention in the house like a black hole I learned pretty early on not to make a fuss, not to talk about how I felt, what I needed or if I was hurt by something.  That just didn't fly in my house - no one cared, no one paid the slightest bit of attention to me.  I'm not trying to whine here, just stating facts.  This of course laid the groundwork for my future romantic relationships.  I have no clue how to let someone know what I want - I don't even feel comfortable letting my feelings be known because it is so ingrained in me to keep quiet.  Needless to say, my early relationships including my defunct marriage are not sterling examples of balance.  However, I have learned a few things over the years and with the support of my friends and lots of therapy I am very slowly making baby steps towards expressing myself without feeling like I am being a self-centered bitch if I do.

David has been pretty patient through this whole transformation.  It is very hard to learn this stuff and I've had a few fits and starts while I get the hang of it.  There was so much yelling in my house when I was a kid that it has made me paranoid about yelling and yet, paradoxically, too good at fighting.  I'm trying to ditch that too.  I was also subject to so much abuse in my marriage that sometimes I walk away too quickly.  I'm so determined not to be treated like that again that I think I over-react at times.  Balance is what I strive for.  I'm getting closer.

So I mentioned the M word last night with David and he didn't run for the hills.  This is a man who used to be reluctant to commit to coming over next weekend even though he spent virtually every weekend at my place from the day we met.  Last night he asked me where I thought we'd be in 3 years, on our 5 year anniversary.  I said "Vermont" but what I was thinking was "married".  I actually did say that later on.  That in 3 years, hopefully sooner, I hope we will be married.  He seemed OK with that.  Of course, yesterday was our anniversary, it was late, we were coming home from a Mets game and the trains were screwed up so it is possible he would have said OK to almost anything. 

But that would be the unbalanced side of me talking.  The balanced side of me thinks that I won't still be calling him my boyfriend when we are in our 60's.